hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
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You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
just got my engagement photos
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.