If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
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(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.