I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
You Might Also Like
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Air conditioning – not a fan
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!