My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.