My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
You Might Also Like
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
This is what makes twitter great
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I am having an out of money experience.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now