Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
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Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
crochet youtube is brutal
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.