The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
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I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude