[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
*me flirting
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.