Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
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If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe