why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
You Might Also Like
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE