i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
You Might Also Like
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00