What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
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My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
my name if I was in the mob
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend