Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
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Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I have written yet another poem about laundry
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.