Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
never deleting this app.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
🤣😈🤣
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
was Jim off killing horses or…