“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
You Might Also Like
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
fourth time’s the charm
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
why isn’t he texting back
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.