I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.