My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
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“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories