Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
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prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.