Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?