My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
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Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!