i baked you a cake
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I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up