I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.