If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?