Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
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me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella