ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
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Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.