4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
That earthquake could have been an email.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.