I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
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my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
that lip filler tho
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH