Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
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[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
the three branches of government
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.