This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
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[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
ready to be harvested
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.