We’ve all been there…
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If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”