[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
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I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.