FINE, I WON’T.
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home