I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
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I already tried new things thanks.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later