Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
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People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
The pasta is now
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
This squirrel eats better than I do
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.