Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Tony Hawk, age 6
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six