“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
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Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Ovenable?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.