the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
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I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
These work great until they don’t.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
For the ones in the back.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”