And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
You Might Also Like
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.