me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
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[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want