When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD