Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
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Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
All generalizations are stupid.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.