We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
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My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money