Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
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In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.