Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
S M O L
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.