Meowchelangelo
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[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.