I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
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License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Fights fire with marshmallows
Inside you there are two wolves
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.