Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
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Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.