[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
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Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
anyone else like Italian cereal
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
The Others (2001)
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014