Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
You Might Also Like
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.