My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
This is my bus stop.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.